When you’ve simply given up.
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Meow
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
i hate you platonically
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.