Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
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me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
This hospital has everything
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.