so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I want what they have
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa