[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Hello Twits.
*gets down on one knee*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*