Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
🖤✌🏽
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
*weighs self after shaving