My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
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Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.