We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*checks Timeline*…
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”