Tastes like chicken.
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.