There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips