Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
You Might Also Like
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Leaving the Barbers like
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?