My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“HELP WITH CAT”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911