I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
This kid is going places
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
How times have changed.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine