I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
fly smarter, not harder
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one