animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
you have three unread messages
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Come back with a warrant
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers