When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
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“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm