Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
life finds a way
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.