waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Mistakes were made
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”