Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂