I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?