He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I’m awake but I object,
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.