Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
This guy’s not having it 😆
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.