[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?