I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
You Might Also Like
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Social distancing in Australia:
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
All. The. Damn. Time.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.