Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
You Might Also Like
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.