[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
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BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
🤣
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.