I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
You Might Also Like
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I know
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?