Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m not wrong
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15