FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
And now we wait
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
a badder mouse
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’m literally crying
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.