The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.