Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.