I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch