All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
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[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Velcrow
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
some things should go without saying
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy