“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Two types of dogs.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.