*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
those birds must be on payroll
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.