Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)