I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Every photo I’m tagged in
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?