If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.