My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
What the hell is going on?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents