Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Message from the dog groomers
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’