just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Grow up never but we old may grow we
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails