Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Finished stitching this today 😇
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
peeping toms
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.