Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I gave up going to work for lent.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.