Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.