My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
You Might Also Like
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.