[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest