You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Spring of Deception
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
For the ones in the back.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.