For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
We avoided this particular disaster
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list