ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
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Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I love the National Park Service.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.