A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes