I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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That earthquake could have been an email.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My time has come.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce